How Abusers Use Manipulation and Control the Family Unit

Abuse within a family is often much more than physical violence. It’s a complex system of manipulation and control that affects every member of the household, even if only one person is being physically abused. Abusers often wield control over the family unit to maintain power, creating an environment of fear, submission, and dependency. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for recognizing abuse, offering support to survivors, and breaking the cycle of manipulation and control. In my household growing up, this was exactly what happened; my father had full control of the entire family by using fear and dependency, every aspect of our lives was pretty much controlled by him unless he didn’t want to deal with it.

The Abuser’s Tactics for Controlling the Family

Abusers employ a variety of tactics to maintain dominance within the family. Some of the tactics used by my father included:

Isolation:
- We were isolated from friends and were not allowed to stay over at friends’ places, the same with family. While my grandfather was alive, we could stay at his place, but as soon as he passed, neither my siblings nor I were allowed to stay with my grandmother or other family members.
Instilling Fear:
- Fear was instilled through physical violence (floggings with anything available), threats, or emotional outbursts to keep us in a state of constant anxiety, ensuring compliance with his demands.
Financial Control:
- While I probably didn’t understand this as a child, I do remember my mum being given an allowance each week, which was to buy groceries, and she would always have to ask for more money, which usually ended up in her being yelled at. Even now, she lies to my father about how much things cost so she doesn’t suffer the consequences of his wrath. He controls the purse strings.
Gaslighting:
- Abusers often distort reality to make family members question their perceptions, memories, and sanity. This tactic has been used by my father against every single member of our family. The turning point for me was the day he tried to gaslight my husband and me against each other. That was the day everything changed in my family unit.
Emotional Manipulation:
- Guilt-tripping was probably the most used emotional manipulation used against us kids, as we got older he would use our mother to guilt-trip us, even though his behaviour towards her was so disgusting and cruel, he would make out that whatever we were doing for example not coming home for Christmas was hurting our mother.

The Impact on Family Dynamics

When my father controlled the family unit, the entire household became engulfed in a toxic atmosphere. This often led to:

Fear-Based Relationships:
- Family members would interact with the abuser and each other out of fear rather than love or respect. This was why I kept going back after becoming an adult, out of simple loyalty to the family unit.
Parentification of Children:
- Taking on adult responsibilities, such as protecting siblings, I regularly did this with my siblings when my father was drunk and abusing my mother.
Silencing of Voices:
- Open communication was stifled; we could never speak our minds or have an opinion on something without being told by my father that it was wrong or we needed to keep our mouths closed. It would get to a point where you couldn’t even have a conversation with anyone in the family of any real substance.
Perpetuation of Abuse:
- Children raised in abusive households may become abusers themselves, and my family is seeing this in my brother today. He abuses women, is an alcoholic, and has no respect for anyone; he controls the women he is in relationships with as well.

A Path Toward Healing

Abuse thrives in silence and secrecy, but it can be dismantled through awareness, support, and action. By understanding how abusers use manipulation and control family units, we can better support survivors and help them reclaim their lives. Healing is a long and challenging journey, but it begins with the courage to recognize the problem and seek change.

Together, we can work to break the chains of abuse, empowering families to rebuild relationships based on respect, trust, and love.

With love

A Child With a Voice