A child’s understanding of domestic violence.

When I sat down to write this article, I intended to share research information that I have read over the years. However, over the years the more I have read the more I realized none of the information gave a true real-life indication of how a child’s understanding of domestic violence. It didn’t capture what they are witnessing, hearing and living with on a day-to-day basis, which is domestic violence. The articles also did not indicate a child’s thought patterns and how to deal with what they were living with daily. While every child is different and unique in their thought processes, I am by no means saying this content is what every child thinks or feels. I will share my story in the hope it resonates in some way to help even one child living through domestic violence.

Understanding of domestic violence and associated feelings

As a child and even as an adult I was always scared of my father’s temper. I would often think my mother looked sad and scared every day. Throughout my childhood, especially the younger years I would never know or understand what would set my father’s temper off. The only thing that I understood when it did happen was that my mother looked terrified like something bad was going to happen to her, and that we kids needed to leave the room. If we were the recipient of the temper outburst, most times we never knew why and were just as terrified, scared and upset.

As I got older, I realized that a lot of the time the terrifying anger outburst occurred when he was drinking or something had gone wrong (which was never his fault) and he needed to take the anger out on someone else, usually mum. While I was young and didn’t understand this behavior, what I did know was it made me frightened to be around my own father, scared, upset and petrified that something bad was going to happen. I would regularly go and hide somewhere either in my room or somewhere else and cry and wait till it was over. But it was never over, and it has taken 42 years to realize this.

As my childhood years went by and the older, I got, witnessing the attacks on my mother and understanding more of what was happening, the more terrifying it became. The more I would hide in my room and cry myself to sleep at night from pure terror and too scared to make any noise in case I was heard. It wasn’t just fear and terror of wondering if us kids would be in the firing line, but absolute fear and terror for my mother. Listening to her screaming and begging him to stop abusing her in whatever way he was.

I was a child lying in bed crying and terrified of what I was hearing and wondering if my mother was going to be alive when I woke up the next morning. Then it would become a house of silence, and sadness and the hurt radiating from my mother was palpable, while my father walked around and went about his business like nothing had happened.

Understanding of domestic violence and associated emotions

The emotions I had running through me as a child were emotions I just could not express. Even at a young age, I knew I had to suppress these emotions because the fear of speaking to either parent was far greater than anything I could comprehend in my confused little mind. Even witnessing the abuse from my father to my mother as an adult it was still hard to find the words and emotions to confront them until just before I turned 42 and that abuse from my father made its way into my own family. That was the day the words and emotions finally found an outlet after 41 years.

I was a child with a lot of emotions bottled up and not able to get the help that I needed from the two people I should have been able to trust the most to protect me. From that very young age of around 3 to 4 years, my trust in my parents was questionable, and my instincts at such a young age intuitively knew that the environment was not one of trust and protection. It was an environment of control and fear.

Words of Wisdom

I read a quote on Facebook one day by Wendi Jade:

An environment that is not safe to disagree in is not an environment focused on growth – it’s an environment focused on control.

When I read these words I cried, because these words right here pretty much summed up my whole 42 years with my parents. And as a mother myself I know I will be teaching these words to my children. As they grow and start their relationships, I will ensure they understand the difference between a relationship based on growth, support and love to a relationship based on control and fear.

With love

A Child With a Voice